The academization of the pine cone#
Once upon a time, children simply pulled the front door behind them, ran into the nearest forest, and returned with dirty knees. This was commonly called "playing". But this unregulated, downright anarchic form of leisure is obviously no longer reasonable in the modern helicopter age. Today, the average six-year-old needs at least academic support for the professional handling of a branch. Welcome to the highly official "Waldwuslern".
Graduate cane throwing at premium rate#
Let's take a sober look at the educational spearhead of nature experience. To show children between 6 and 10 years old how to muddle in the autumn foliage, the mere presence of a supervisor is no longer enough. No, in cooperation with a local family centre, heavy academic guns are mounted here. The forest spectacle is led by a specialist who not only operates as an environmental and nature educator, but also holds a degree as a Dipl.-Ing. (University of Applied Sciences) in horticulture as well as a bachelor's degree in social work. One inevitably asks oneself: Does the construction of a dwarf house made of moss and bark recently need a static acceptance according to the strict DIN standard?
However, it gets really absurd when you look at pricing. The little ones can go into the woods for a whopping 100 euros! With three children, parents are spending a breathtaking 300 euros for their offspring to dig in the dirt for two hours each under supervision. This is a downright outrageous hourly rate for the groundbreaking service of watching children get dirty, and easily exceeds the fees of some specialist lawyers.
The bullshit bingo of the forest experience#
It is particularly amusing when you look at the lofty learning goals on the flyer. Where in the past people simply raged aimlessly, today they have to methodically "feel connected" and "recharge their batteries". The children should "come to rest", "get creative" and "experience adventure" under graduate guidance. This reads less like an afternoon for elementary school students and more like the sophisticated marketing concept of an overpriced burnout retreat for stressed-out DAX board members. If children still manage to play with sticks completely free of charge and without diplomatic supervision, parents should probably have them tested for giftedness quickly. Anyone who picks up a pine cone without a trained horticultural engineer pedagogically framing this process is obviously doing superhuman things.
The Elitist Child Disposal#
But behind this bizarre offer hides a much sadder social truth. It is the perfect business model for a generation of parents who simply refuse to spend time outdoors with their offspring. Instead of getting their shoes dirty together on the weekend, jumping through puddles with the children and building a dwarf house, the offspring would rather be deported at a high price.
You buy yourself a clear conscience for 100 euros per session and, above all, one thing: two hours of undisturbed peace and quiet to just get rid of the child. The simple experience of nature is completely outsourced, legitimized with academic titles and provided with a completely crazy price tag so that you don't have to make an effort yourself. The message is unmistakable: real slush is only beneficial for child development if it has previously been approved by a qualified engineer – and the parents can drink their latte macchiato undisturbed in the meantime.