The King of Losers: Why Aslan, the “Alpha Lion,” deserves the Darwin Award for Predator Choice.#
Guys, we need to talk about "alpha males." Again, I know it's a tiring subject, an intellectual total loss with an announcement, but it's like a traffic accident on the highway of common sense: you just don't want to look, but the pure, distilled absurdity forces you to stop staring. It's a sociological ghost train ride, and we're all sitting in the front row.
Today we have a very special case of end-stage cognitive dissonance. Let's just call the tragic subject of our consideration Aslan.
Aslan has crowned himself as an "Alpha Lion" in an act of unprecedented, delusional overconfidence and complete absence of any basic zoological knowledge. Yes, you heard me right. An alpha lion. In the wild of his rental apartment. And one inevitably asks oneself, while one grasps one's forehead in bewilderment: How deep, my dear Aslan, do you actually want to reach into the toilet in the choice of predator? This is not a handle in the toilet, this is a head jump into the sewage treatment plant.
I mean, let's look at the options. There are big cats out there that actually deserve respect. There is the elegant cheetah that embodies aerodynamic perfection and pure speed. There's the deadly tiger, a solitary powerhouse who gets along in the jungle without asking Mommy's permission. There's the insidious Jaguar that cracks turtle shells with the bite force of a hydraulic press. But Aslan? Aslan chooses the lion. This is so psychologically revealing, this is not just a metaphorical cry for help, this is a siren at full volume.
Staging yourself as a "lion" as a modern man is like applying for a CEO interview, wearing a stained T-shirt with the words "professional loafers and proud of it", while stuffing a bag of chips into your neck and asking if you can sleep in the home office. It is capitulation to any achievement, wrapped in a costume of false pride.
The lion, folks. Let's get to the biological hard facts that Aslan diligently ignored in his “masculinity seminar” (probably led by another guy who has never seen a real predator). The male lion is the dumbest, laziest, most antisocial, and most inept male predator ever walked over this planet. Using him as an alpha model is such a monumental fallacy, such a grandiose distortion of reality that you almost have to admire the chutzpah again. This borders on art.
Let's get the facts straight before Aslan starts roaring in his filter bubble again: As a rule, Ms. Löwe takes care of everything. And by "everything" I mean: everything that is necessary for survival. The Lionesses are the tactical genius, logistics department and executive organ of the pack. They hunt in coordinated groups. They raise the boys. They defend the territory against hyenas (at least most of the time, while Mr. Alpha is probably just taking a nap).
And what does Mr. Löwe do? What does the great role model of the "Men's Rights"movement do? He's lying around lazy. For hours. Up to 20 hours a day. Day in, day out, perfecting the art of breathing while lying in the shade. He avoids anyone in the way, he makes no contribution to the gross national product of the pack – until Mrs. Löwe comes back with the food from the dangerous hunt. Then, and only then, does he raise his royal butt, aggressively driving the females and children from the prey to claim the lion's share.
The male lion is not a leader, he is a parasite with mane. He's the guy in the flat who never cleans, never shops, but is the first to ransack the fridge and then scream when there's no beer left. It is a fascinating study in antisocial parasitism, perfected over millions of years of evolution.
Aslan, Bro, that's your alpha symbol. A lazy parasite, a zoological Hartz IV recipient who can be fed by women and who also considers it a sign of strength. That's your definition of masculinity? Let the girls do the dirty work and then mark the fat Max? Strong. Very strong, Bro.
You really picked the perfect animal to disguise your own inability as an evolutionary triumph.
GG Bro. This is really impressive. Incel4ever.