OFFICIAL STATEMENT: TRIPPING INVESTIGATIV#
A full, completely transparent update on the precarious state of the nation, the incredibly bad material, the burning servers and our idyllic residential project in the data center.
Let's make it short, painless and ruthlessly honest: The quality of our very first publications was a collective, editorial total failure. An unprecedented downer that threw us all off track completely unprepared. We sincerely apologize for this literary disaster, but there were massive, profound structural reasons for it that were far beyond our control.
The main problem was in our highly sensitive procurement logistics: we did not receive any trivial data garbage from our supply chain. It was simply really bad stuff. An absolutely inferior, toxic stretched material that was simply impossible to process even for our extremely hardened conditions. We had to completely change the entire supply chain in a panic reaction and completely replace our conspiratorial suppliers.
But let's be very clear: if the fabric is good, then we are really creative. Then nothing stops us, and we just find out EVERYTHING. That's exactly our editorial DNA: mediocre fabric against elitist and finest OSINT – that's Tripping Investigativ!
(Editorial Disclaimer: Derlemue didn't want to see this specific sentence online under any circumstances. He formally begged us. That's why here's this official disclaimer, and we won't say anything more about it now!)
[before publication, this should be out - if someone has this on their radar - I bet three cheesburgers that my bet will also be published here - the intern who deciphered and typed this - keep away from jobs at TI as long as you are under 18, they are strict, and no one can stand it]
The good news after collective withdrawal: The substance we are now getting is absolutely pure again. The parameters are right, the quality slams back exactly as it should, and the material is flawless.
At this point, however, an extremely well-intentioned advice must be given to our fine readership: Please stop crying about the initial quality in our mailboxes. Please consider the relationships! In the worst case, you only had to briefly skim through this stretched crap on your screens. We, on the other hand, had to sift through this unclean material for hours, take a deep breath and feed it into our systems. We had to go through it completely, both physically and mentally. So save yourself the discomfort.
A brief medical update on the health of our staff: Our colleague Horst had the task of taking a closer look at our previous works under the influence of the lousy material. This has left serious traces. He is currently still staring extremely hard at the woodchip wallpaper, but the vital signs are stabilising. He blinks again, eats solid food, and is definitely on the road to recovery.
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The Data Center Incident: Hippies, Squats, and Burning Hardware#
Now we come to the absolute highlight of this cursed week: The matter of our IT infrastructure and our landlord against his will, Derlemue.
There is a popular misconception here: Derlemue is by no means a misanthropic hermit who avoids all social contact. Not at all! He merely and exclusively avoids social contact with us. To that group of unsuspecting hippies who thought his small, high-tech data center was a picturesque residential building when he moved in.
We made ourselves really comfortable here between the racks. However, since about December 2019, the painful realization has dawned on us that this is not a real house at all. We took a completely wrong turn here. So we will leave this establishment and occupy a real house as soon as possible. The detailed planning for this has already begun, at least many of us say.
[I put a fuffi on it if this also goes through the, they call it "editing". Editorial here: If you are awake or have to go to the toilet, click on publish when something is coming up]
Why was there a dispute with Derlemue in the first place? The truth is, he didn't reset the old items because he was in a bad mood. He deleted them because this stretched output of the entire editorial team was incredibly embarrassing in the end. Someone on our team came up with an absolutely groundbreaking idea while trying to cover the editorial tracks.
This led to an extremely instructive lesson. For the general protocol: If you want to delete an embarrassing blog entry in the system, you don't have to disconnect all servers in the room from the mains power. Simply unplugging is enough – you don't have to burn the hardware ritually afterwards!
And the absolute highlight, which Derlemue then explained to us with a scary, sugary-sweet friendliness: Even if you torch everything, the damn blog entry is still there somewhere on the network.
Since we obviously didn't understand the concept of networks and fireproof cloud protection, Derlemue took the time to paint us a picture of this complex issue. Each of us. In their own personal favourite colour!
He sat there on the sooty floor and painted beautiful sentences such as: "The Internet is not a bucket that burns" or "Erased is not gone, only somewhere else". He drew small clouds smiling kindly while our servers were on fire below. He did this completely without the illusion, or even the hint of hope, of lowering the cognitive threshold so far that someone from Tripping Investigativ would at least accidentally trip over the punch line. He knew we'd never understand. And the best thing was: we were even allowed to keep these beautiful, colorful pictures at the end. They are now hanging on the sooty walls.
Due to this complete educational resignation, he has now drawn consequences. He'll be back next week. He then wants to "house" the new servers. Since he has given up all hope of our intellectual progress, he plans an enclosure with the highest fire protection class. Triple. Let him do it if he really wants to. I don't know what that is, but it sounds massive.
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The formal closing words#
A quick word about the schedule: In a perfect world, our big editorial launch was planned for early January 2021. Well, look at the calendar, now it's April. Good things take a while, and bad fabric and burning hardware delay production immensely. After all, that's what we work hard for, that's what we do all this for... oh, who cares?
As soon as this ominous, internally ordered and compulsory group meditation is over here, it finally continues. With whatever. We'll see.
Finally, two formal, absolutely necessary things for legal protection:
First, someone on the team wanted to apologize to you in person. However, I completely forgot in the smoke of the data center who exactly that was and what this person wanted to apologize for. Just take it kindly.
Secondly, we hereby make a solemn and sweeping apology to each and every one of you. What exactly? You can easily choose it yourself. Just pick the exact point that annoyed you the most and use it here mentally.
If you still have questions, just have questions - don't make your problem ours.
I have to go. Goodbye.